THE TURKISH DIPLOMATS PRESENT CHARMING NOISE: A MOVIE REVIEW OF “EMPIRE OF THE ANTS” – WHEN NATURE DECIDED TO EAT US ALL AND SOMEHOW MADE IT BORING
Friends, countrymen, and survivors of the drive-in apocalypse—brace yourselves. The ants have arrived, and they are here to take what is rightfully theirs.
The Turkish Diplomats—your most devoted connoisseurs of cinematic catastrophes and deeply suspect artistic choices—have once again stared directly into the abyss and returned with a report. This time, it’s Empire of the Ants (1977), a film that dares to ask, “What if ants were huge, homicidal, and really bad at special effects?”
Yes, we’re diving headfirst into this unholy spectacle, featuring the legendary Joan Collins—who spends the entire movie looking like she just realized her agent is going to be fired the second she gets back to civilization. The premise? A sleazy real estate scam goes sideways when a batch of toxic waste turns everyday ants into towering, mind-controlling overlords. The result? A terrifying glimpse into a future where mankind is enslaved by insects, or at the very least, some deeply unconvincing papier-mâché monsters.
But don’t let the premise fool you—this is no ordinary creature feature. This is a disaster wrapped in a farce, stuffed inside a fever dream, and we’re here to pick it apart like deranged entomologists armed with microphones and just enough caffeine to make bad decisions.
On this week’s episode of The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise, we break it all down: the hypnotic power of bad dubbing, the existential dread of watching human actors pretend to be controlled by what is very clearly an ant on a fishing line, and the unshakable horror of realizing that somehow, some way, this thing got a theatrical release.
Join us as we dive into the madness, available now on Podbean, Spotify, Apple, and iHeart Radio—because somebody had to watch Empire of the Ants, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be you.
By God, the boys have finally posted the first episode of a new season! Yes Season 3, Episode 1 of the Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise is finally live. In this extra-long very special episode, Tom, Calvin, and Paul review what some have referred to as “a movie.” From 1958, “She Demons” by B-movie director Richard Cunha provides the fodder for the boys to nearly talk longer than the actual movie. There’s a lot to check out…hurricanes, shipwrecks, mild but pervasive racism, barely-clothed dance troupes, and that’s before the Nazis show up! Then there’s a laboratory, an unlikely love story, underground laboratories, monster ladies, German geothermal energy exploitation, and maybe a nuclear bomb! Speaking of a bomb, that may be what this movie is, but you’ll have to listen to find out.
In the year 1958, under a brooding sky and amidst the ghostly waves of the ocean, a sinister tale unfolds in the horror classic *She Demons*. The story follows the intrepid journey of a group of survivors who find themselves washed ashore on a mysterious and uncharted island after their boat is wrecked in a violent storm. As they venture deeper into the heart of the island, they stumble upon a secret laboratory operated by a mad scientist, whose grotesque experiments have turned beautiful women into hideous, monstrous creatures—demons, both in appearance and in spirit.
Our protagonists, led by the resourceful Fred Maklin and the courageous Jerrie Turner, must navigate a perilous maze of traps and confront the malevolent Dr. Leroux. The narrative masterfully combines elements of suspense, fear, and an exploration of human resilience in the face of unimaginable horrors. Each character’s struggle with their inner demons mirrors the external terror they face, crafting a hauntingly poignant reflection on the essence of humanity.
In the midst of this eerie atmosphere, allow me to recommend a delightful respite from the darkness. The “Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise” podcast, hosted by Thomas, Calvin, and Paul, offers a refreshing analysis and witty commentary on films such as *She Demons*. Their quest to bring the world reviews of bad movies ensures you can savor the essence of these classics without subjecting yourself to their full duration, should you wish to spare yourself.
For those eager to delve deeper into the world of cinema, Thomas, Calvin, and Paul’s insights can be explored further at TurkishDiplomats.com. As our trio guides you through the labyrinth of forgotten films, you’ll find that even the most obscure horrors have their place in the annals of cinematic history.
In the quaint, eerie town of Amityville, where the fog rolls in like an old friend and the nights are filled with whispers, a new tale unfolds. “Amityville Bigfoot” (2024) brings together an eclectic mix of birdwatchers, activists, scientists, and a film crew, all converging in the dense, shadowy woods. Unbeknownst to them, something far more sinister than Bigfoot lurks in the darkness. The Amityville Chemical Company, with its dark secrets, has unleashed a creature that rips through the night, leaving a trail of terror and bizarre occurrences.
As the story unfolds, the podcast “Turkish Diplomats Presents Charming Noise” takes center stage. In their end-of-season bonus show, Tom, Calvin, and Paul, with their usual charm and wit, dive into the madness of “Amityville Bigfoot.” They laugh, they cringe, and they dissect every absurd moment, offering their heartfelt thanks to all their loyal listeners for another fantastic season.
Our review of the film? Well, it’s a wild ride. The film is shockingly unwatchable, with moments of unexpected humor and a plot that keeps you guessing. Lauren Francesca’s performance stands out, bringing a surprising depth and charisma to her role amidst the chaos. It’s a fitting end to a season filled with the weird and wonderful, a perfect thank you to all who have joined us on this journey.
Now, let’s talk about what makes a film truly godawful, according to our criteria. A big dynamic of The Turkish Diplomats is that we all must agree after watching the subject film (or sometimes five minutes into watching it) that it transcends bad and slides headfirst into godawful. No one involved in the production can escape blame. The scriptwriters, actors, producers, gaffers, grips, PA’s, AD’s, accountants, and anyone else working on these pictures are guilty of the sin of allowing the shooting to continue.
To qualify, the movie should be so bad that it is compelling to watch. The three of us, and whomever we wrangle into these torture sessions, stare at the poorly arranged images onscreen, unable to turn away, much like six-year-olds staring at a newly formed scab. Yes, it may be ugly and incomprehensible, but we see accidental beauty in amazing failure.
The film must be devoid of coolness and charm, except the coolness and charm due to its being so godawful.
It should inspire some sense of anger in normal people, the kind of anger that can only be deadened by alcohol.
It should be cast with people who clearly are not professional actors. At least some of the cast must be such bad actors that the question is raised as to whether they have ever seen a film.
All special effects should be laughable. It isn’t enough to merely use a string to lift the rocket…you should be able to see that the SFX person was too lazy to cut away the excess.
All aspects of the production should appear to be done by amateurs. It should arouse the belief that cameras and lights were handed to chimpanzees hopped up on Mountain Dew.
If the producers try to show a moral to the film, it should benefit no one. If anything, you might be a worse person for having watched it.
There must be moments in the movie that are so bad that the video must be stopped and rewound to confirm how bad the scene was. In some cases, no amount of review will relieve the disbelief.
At the end of the movie, the viewer should feel emotionally damaged. The way to measure that damage is to see how long it takes the viewer to look at a clock or watch to determine how much of their life was just wasted.
So, dear listeners, as the credits roll on “Amityville Bigfoot” and our season, we raise a glass to you. Thank you for your support, your laughter, and your company. Until next time, stay curious and keep exploring the charming noise of the unknown.
In the year 1960, Major Bill Allison, a test pilot for the United States Air Force, embarks on a mission that will transcend the boundaries of time and space. As he soars into the heavens aboard the X-80 experimental aircraft, he loses radio contact, a harbinger of the extraordinary journey that awaits him. Upon his return, he finds the airbase abandoned, a ghostly relic of a bygone era. The once bustling hub of activity now stands silent, its structures weathered and decayed.
Mystified and alone, Major Allison’s gaze falls upon a futuristic city on the horizon. Driven by curiosity and a sense of duty, he ventures toward it, only to be rendered unconscious and captured by its inhabitants. When he awakens, he finds himself in a dystopian underground city known as the Citadel. Here, the air is thick with the weight of despair, and the inhabitants, save for their leader, the Supreme, and his second-in-command, the Captain, are all deaf-mutes. The Supreme’s granddaughter, Trirene, possesses a unique gift—she can read minds, a beacon of hope in this desolate world.
The Supreme reveals to Allison the grim reality of their existence. A cosmic plague, born from nuclear fallout, has ravaged the Earth, rendering its survivors sterile and mute. The Citadel’s inhabitants, though spared the worst of the plague’s effects, are still prisoners of their own bodies, unable to communicate or procreate. Trirene, the sole exception, is believed to be fertile, a glimmer of possibility in an otherwise bleak future.
As Allison grapples with the enormity of his situation, he learns that he has traveled through time to the year 2024. The world he once knew is gone, replaced by a landscape of ruin and desolation. The Citadel’s history is a tapestry of suffering and survival, woven with the threads of human resilience and ingenuity. Trirene, sensing Allison’s confusion and despair, shows him historical photographs that chronicle the Citadel’s past, a poignant reminder of the world that once was.
In a bid to understand his predicament, Allison is introduced to the “scapes,” two scientists and a Russian woman officer who, like him, have found themselves stranded in this dystopian future. Together, they disable surveillance devices and piece together the puzzle of their existence. The scientists explain that the cosmic plague, a result of nuclear fallout, has suspended dangerous cosmic rays in the atmosphere, leading to the catastrophic events that have shaped their world.
Despite the Captain’s suspicion and hostility, Trirene convinces the Supreme of Allison’s innocence. However, the mutants, survivors of the cosmic plague who live outside the Citadel, pose a constant threat. Bald and violent, they blame the Citadel’s inhabitants for their suffering and seek to destroy them. In a harrowing encounter, Allison overpowers one of the mutants and demands answers, only to be met with the same story of pain and loss.
Determined to return to his own time and prevent the plague from ever occurring, Allison faces a series of challenges. The Supreme and the Captain, wary of his intentions, seek to control him, while Trirene, with her telepathic abilities, becomes his ally and confidante. As they navigate the treacherous landscape of the Citadel, Allison and Trirene’s bond deepens, a testament to the enduring power of human connection.
In a climactic showdown, Allison must confront the forces that seek to keep him in the future. His love for Trirene and his desire to save his world drive him forward, even as the odds seem insurmountable. The mutants, the Citadel’s leaders, and the harsh realities of a post-apocalyptic world all stand in his way, but Allison’s resolve remains unshaken.
The podcast “Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise” delves into the intricacies of “Beyond the Time Barrier,” offering a thoughtful and engaging review of the film. The hosts, with their characteristic wit and insight, explore the themes of time travel, dystopia, and human resilience that permeate the narrative. They discuss the film’s portrayal of a future shaped by nuclear fallout, drawing parallels to contemporary concerns about technology and its impact on society.
In their review, the Turkish Diplomats highlight the film’s strengths and weaknesses, providing a balanced and nuanced perspective. They praise the performances of the cast, particularly Robert Clarke as Major Allison, and the film’s ambitious vision of a dystopian future. However, they also critique certain aspects of the plot and production, offering constructive feedback that enhances the viewer’s understanding and appreciation of the film.
As the podcast unfolds, the hosts engage in lively discussions, sharing their personal reflections and insights. Their review of “Beyond the Time Barrier” is not just an analysis of the film, but a broader exploration of the themes and ideas it presents. Through their thoughtful commentary, the Turkish Diplomats invite listeners to consider the implications of time travel, the consequences of technological advancement, and the enduring power of hope and human connection.
In the end, “Beyond the Time Barrier” is a poignant and thought-provoking film that challenges viewers to reflect on the past, present, and future. Through the lens of Major Allison’s journey, it explores the complexities of human existence and the enduring quest for meaning and purpose. The Turkish Diplomats’ review adds depth and richness to the viewing experience, offering a unique and engaging perspective on this classic science fiction tale.
In the year 2312, Earth faces an unexpected cosmic threat. A group of aliens, nonchalantly auctioning off insignificant planets, selects Sol 3 (our beloved Earth) as their prize. The winning bidder? An evil despot named Kress, who arrives with all the subtlety of a meteor shower.
Kress, resembling someone who fell asleep on an electric fly swatter, doesn’t bother with friendly greetings. Instead, he assembles a robot army to abduct humans for slavery. Clearly, his intergalactic etiquette needs work.
But fear not! Our ragtag team of defenders steps up. Led by the kindly Professor Maury (who probably wears a Spider-Man T-shirt), they’re determined to reclaim Earth. Their secret weapon? The discovery of the alien ship’s weakness: a metal called Iridium (or etherium). Think of it as Kryptonite for cosmic conquerors.
As the battle unfolds, Franco Ressel (our campy Earth leader) orders this motley crew to thwart Kress and his cyborg minions. Bridget and Shawn, our unlikely saviors, emerge from the chaos. They’re like the cosmic equivalent of mismatched socks—unexpected but oddly effective.
Recommendation: Listen to “Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise” podcast! It won’t help you defeat alien overlords, but it’s a delightful distraction from impending doom. Trust me, it’s light-years better than Kress’s customer service.
Nell’anno 2312, la Terra deve affrontare una minaccia cosmica inaspettata. Un gruppo di alieni, mettendo all’asta con nonchalance pianeti insignificanti, sceglie Sol 3 (la nostra amata Terra) come premio. L’offerente vincitore? Un despota malvagio di nome Kress, che arriva con tutta l’astuzia di una pioggia di meteoriti.
Kress, somigliante a qualcuno che si è addormentato su uno scacciamosche elettrico, non si preoccupa dei saluti amichevoli. Invece, riunisce un esercito di robot per rapire gli umani per ridurli in schiavitù. Chiaramente, la sua etichetta intergalattica ha bisogno di essere modificata.
Ma non temere! La nostra disordinata squadra di difensori si fa avanti. Guidati dal gentile Professor Maury (che probabilmente indossa una maglietta di Spider-Man), sono determinati a riconquistare la Terra. La loro arma segreta? La scoperta del punto debole della nave aliena: un metallo chiamato Iridio (o eterio). Pensatela come la Kryptonite per i conquistatori cosmici.
Mentre la battaglia si svolge, Franco Ressel (il nostro campy leader terrestre) ordina a questo gruppo eterogeneo di contrastare Kress e i suoi servi cyborg. Bridget e Shawn, i nostri improbabili salvatori, emergono dal caos. Sono come l’equivalente cosmico dei calzini spaiati: inaspettati ma stranamente efficaci.
Raccomandazione: ascolta il podcast “I diplomatici turchi presentano Charming Noise”! Non ti aiuterà a sconfiggere i signori alieni, ma è una deliziosa distrazione dal disastro imminente. Credimi, è anni luce migliore del servizio clienti di Kress.
On the picturesque island of Sardinia, a routine day unfolds under the Mediterranean sun, until the extraordinary pierces the veil of the ordinary. A spacecraft from the distant constellation Hydra, commanded by the enigmatic Chaena, finds itself earthbound, crash-landing with a thud that echoes through the tranquil landscape. The island’s inhabitants, including a prominent scientist, his daughter, and a cadre of young technicians, are swept up in an adventure that transcends the bounds of their world. They are not alone; a duo of spies, shrouded in mystery, join this unintended journey, all united by a common goal: to repair the alien ship’s broken engine.
The plot thickens as the repaired ship sets off towards Hydra, with the earthlings now unwilling passengers on a voyage to the unknown. Tensions rise, alliances form, and a mutiny brews, culminating in a desperate struggle for control that sends the tiny spaceship careening into the vastness of space.
YOU really have to see it to enjoy it.
This tale weaves the small threads of individual lives into a tapestry of cosmic scale. It is a story that captures the human spirit’s resilience and the boundless curiosity that propels us into the great beyond.
As we ponder the fates of those aboard the Star Pilot, let us not forget the stories that continue to unfold around us. In the spirit of exploration and discovery, I invite you to tune into “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise,” a podcast that promises to enchant and engage. Listen to their tales wherever you find your podcasts and let the charm of their narratives enrich your world.
In the marshlands of Ohio, a monstrous presence lurks, shredding deer and unsettling the locals. “Bigfoot the Movie,” a Troma film production from 2006, unfolds this tale of terror and camaraderie. Army veteran Jack Sullivan, with a heart as vast as the wilderness, recognizes the signs of a legend reborn—Bigfoot, more savage and bloodthirsty than ever. As the creature’s wrath escalates, it’s not just the deer that should fear, but all who dare to enter its domain. The film, reviewed by the insightful voices of the “Turkish Diplomats” on the “Charming Noise” podcast, is a hairy blend of horror and humor, where friendship is tested and survival is uncertain. In the spirit of Allen Ginsberg, one might say: “Ah, Bigfoot, destroyer of the mundane, in your footprints, we find the primal dance of existence, a stomp that echoes through the backwoods of our American psyche.” This film is a howl in the dark, a call to embrace the wild within and without.
This 2008 Bigfoot horror film, written and directed by Duane Graves and Justin Meeks, is allegedly based on the real-life journals of Dale S. Rogers. In the 1970s, Dale lived along the banks of the Navidad River in Sublime, Texas—the same area where the original legend of the Wild Man of the Navidad surfaced in the late 1800s. The film follows Dale, his wheelchair-using wife Jean, and her oft-shirtless, lazy-eyed caretaker Mario. Although their ranch sits on vast acres prime for paying hunters, Dale has resisted opening up the land due to the strange, Bigfoot-like creatures supposedly inhabiting it. However, after prodding from rifle-loving townsfolk and the loss of his welding job, Dale gives in and opens the gate to his compound. Thats when the trouble starts.
Despite their name, these podcast hosts are actually from Arkansas, U.S.A., not Turkey. The story behind their peculiar name remains a mystery, but they humorously attribute it to a long-ago drunken decision. Perhaps they were sipping on metaphorical Turkish coffee while brainstorming. More than likely they were at a party drunk and He Who Shall Not Be Named, “Homo Corningensis” came up with it then. The podcast features three hosts: Tom, Calvin, and Paul. They share a long history as fans of bad movies and have cultivated a strong friendship over time. Their chemistry shines through as they discuss various topics, often veering into hilariously absurd territory.
Mission and Style: The Turkish Diplomats’ mission? To embarrass everyone they know. But that’s not all—they also aim to ruin podcasting for the rest of the world. Their tongue-in-cheek approach makes for entertaining episodes that keep listeners coming back for more.
Where to Find Them:
You can catch their episodes on popular podcast platforms:
Expect witty banter, offbeat humor, and a healthy dose of self-deprecation. They’re not afraid to poke fun at themselves or the world. So, if you’re up for some quirky humor, movie discussions, and a dash of chaos, give “The Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise” a listen! Feel free to explore the podcast and enjoy their quirky take on bad movies and more!
In the grand cinematic landscape of 2020, a gem titled “Bigfoot vs the Illuminati” emerged, and by gem, I mean a peculiar pebble that might make you question the fabric of reality. The plot is as straightforward as its title suggests – in the year 4044, Earth is a barren wasteland thanks to advanced AI robots, and humanity’s last hope is, naturally, Bigfoot. Teaming up with the legendary monster-slayer Van Helsing, they face off against humanity’s arch-nemesis, the Illuminati. It’s a tale of rebellion, scarce resources, and improbable alliances, set in a future that seems to have been concocted during a particularly wild brainstorming session.
Now, let’s talk about the Turkish Diplomats podcast, where the hosts have a penchant for diving into the abyss of bad movies. They approached “Bigfoot vs the Illuminati” with the same enthusiasm one might reserve for a root canal. Their review, which is buried somewhere in the depths of their podcast episodes, likely mirrors the movie’s own chaotic essence – a blend of disbelief, sarcasm, and perhaps a touch of existential dread.
It’s not every day that a movie can unite Bigfoot, Van Helsing, and the Illuminati in a space opera that defies not just genre conventions, but possibly good taste. Yet, here we are. If you’re in the mood for a film that will leave you bewildered, bemused, and maybe a bit bemired, then this cinematic oddity might just be your cup of tea. Or you could save yourself the bewilderment and simply bask in the Turkish Diplomats’ scathing wit as they dissect this bewildering piece of cinema. The choice, as they say, is yours.
Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper: A Cinematic Conundrum Unraveled by Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise
In the enigmatic world of cult cinema, few films stir the pot of intrigue quite like “Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper.” The Turkish Diplomats, known for their podcast “Charming Noise,” delve into this cinematic oddity, unraveling childhood traumas and the film’s bewildering plot in their latest episode.
The movie, set in the secluded wilderness of the Pacific Northwest, follows a group of young hunters who unwittingly become the prey in a bizarre twist of fate. The narrative takes a wild turn with the introduction of Morgan, whose fate is a pivotal talking point in the podcast. As the Diplomats—Tom, Calvin, and Paul—peel back the layers of the story, they recount the big hunt, a sequence that escalates into a crescendo of suspense and action.
The heart of the film lies in its climactic battle, touted by the Diplomats as potentially the greatest fight scene in Bigfoot cinematic history. The showdown between the legendary creature and the elusive hijacker, D.B. Cooper, is a spectacle of raw, unfiltered drama that leaves viewers on the edge of their seats.
But it’s the unexpected plot twist involving D.B. Cooper that takes the cake—a development so unforeseen that even the seasoned hosts of “Charming Noise” didn’t see it coming. This revelation is a testament to the film’s ability to surprise and captivate, despite its place in the annals of low-budget horror.
For those seeking an offbeat film experience, “Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper” offers a blend of horror, mystery, and a touch of the absurd. And for a deeper dive into the film’s nuances, the Turkish Diplomats’ “Charming Noise” podcast is your go-to source, where humor meets analysis in a celebration of all things unconventional.
It won’t help you defeat alien overlords, but it’s a delightful distraction from impending doom. Trust me, it’s light-years better than Kress’s customer service.
Feel free to explore the podcast and enjoy their quirky take on bad movies and more! 
