Amityville Bigfoot: The Best Worst Movie of 2024

This Made the List of Bad Movies.

In the quaint, eerie town of Amityville, where the fog rolls in like an old friend and the nights are filled with whispers, a new tale unfolds. “Amityville Bigfoot” (2024) brings together an eclectic mix of birdwatchers, activists, scientists, and a film crew, all converging in the dense, shadowy woods. Unbeknownst to them, something far more sinister than Bigfoot lurks in the darkness. The Amityville Chemical Company, with its dark secrets, has unleashed a creature that rips through the night, leaving a trail of terror and bizarre occurrences.

As the story unfolds, the podcast “Turkish Diplomats Presents Charming Noise” takes center stage. In their end-of-season bonus show, Tom, Calvin, and Paul, with their usual charm and wit, dive into the madness of “Amityville Bigfoot.” They laugh, they cringe, and they dissect every absurd moment, offering their heartfelt thanks to all their loyal listeners for another fantastic season.

Our review of the film? Well, it’s a wild ride. The film is shockingly unwatchable, with moments of unexpected humor and a plot that keeps you guessing. Lauren Francesca’s performance stands out, bringing a surprising depth and charisma to her role amidst the chaos. It’s a fitting end to a season filled with the weird and wonderful, a perfect thank you to all who have joined us on this journey.

Now, let’s talk about what makes a film truly godawful, according to our criteria. A big dynamic of The Turkish Diplomats is that we all must agree after watching the subject film (or sometimes five minutes into watching it) that it transcends bad and slides headfirst into godawful. No one involved in the production can escape blame. The scriptwriters, actors, producers, gaffers, grips, PA’s, AD’s, accountants, and anyone else working on these pictures are guilty of the sin of allowing the shooting to continue.

To qualify, the movie should be so bad that it is compelling to watch. The three of us, and whomever we wrangle into these torture sessions, stare at the poorly arranged images onscreen, unable to turn away, much like six-year-olds staring at a newly formed scab. Yes, it may be ugly and incomprehensible, but we see accidental beauty in amazing failure.

1. The film must be devoid of coolness and charm, except the coolness and charm due to its being so godawful.
2. It should inspire some sense of anger in normal people, the kind of anger that can only be deadened by alcohol.
3. It should be cast with people who clearly are not professional actors. At least some of the cast must be such bad actors that the question is raised as to whether they have ever seen a film.
4. All special effects should be laughable. It isn’t enough to merely use a string to lift the rocket…you should be able to see that the SFX person was too lazy to cut away the excess.
5. All aspects of the production should appear to be done by amateurs. It should arouse the belief that cameras and lights were handed to chimpanzees hopped up on Mountain Dew.
6. If the producers try to show a moral to the film, it should benefit no one. If anything, you might be a worse person for having watched it.
7. There must be moments in the movie that are so bad that the video must be stopped and rewound to confirm how bad the scene was. In some cases, no amount of review will relieve the disbelief.
8. At the end of the movie, the viewer should feel emotionally damaged. The way to measure that damage is to see how long it takes the viewer to look at a clock or watch to determine how much of their life was just wasted.

So, dear listeners, as the credits roll on “Amityville Bigfoot” and our season, we raise a glass to you. Thank you for your support, your laughter, and your company. Until next time, stay curious and keep exploring the charming noise of the unknown.