Category: Season 2 Science Gone Bad

This Made the List of Bad Movies.

In the quaint, eerie town of Amityville, where the fog rolls in like an old friend and the nights are filled with whispers, a new tale unfolds. “Amityville Bigfoot” (2024) brings together an eclectic mix of birdwatchers, activists, scientists, and a film crew, all converging in the dense, shadowy woods. Unbeknownst to them, something far more sinister than Bigfoot lurks in the darkness. The Amityville Chemical Company, with its dark secrets, has unleashed a creature that rips through the night, leaving a trail of terror and bizarre occurrences.

As the story unfolds, the podcast “Turkish Diplomats Presents Charming Noise” takes center stage. In their end-of-season bonus show, Tom, Calvin, and Paul, with their usual charm and wit, dive into the madness of “Amityville Bigfoot.” They laugh, they cringe, and they dissect every absurd moment, offering their heartfelt thanks to all their loyal listeners for another fantastic season.

Our review of the film? Well, it’s a wild ride. The film is shockingly unwatchable, with moments of unexpected humor and a plot that keeps you guessing. Lauren Francesca’s performance stands out, bringing a surprising depth and charisma to her role amidst the chaos. It’s a fitting end to a season filled with the weird and wonderful, a perfect thank you to all who have joined us on this journey.

Now, let’s talk about what makes a film truly godawful, according to our criteria. A big dynamic of The Turkish Diplomats is that we all must agree after watching the subject film (or sometimes five minutes into watching it) that it transcends bad and slides headfirst into godawful. No one involved in the production can escape blame. The scriptwriters, actors, producers, gaffers, grips, PA’s, AD’s, accountants, and anyone else working on these pictures are guilty of the sin of allowing the shooting to continue.

To qualify, the movie should be so bad that it is compelling to watch. The three of us, and whomever we wrangle into these torture sessions, stare at the poorly arranged images onscreen, unable to turn away, much like six-year-olds staring at a newly formed scab. Yes, it may be ugly and incomprehensible, but we see accidental beauty in amazing failure.

1. The film must be devoid of coolness and charm, except the coolness and charm due to its being so godawful.
2. It should inspire some sense of anger in normal people, the kind of anger that can only be deadened by alcohol.
3. It should be cast with people who clearly are not professional actors. At least some of the cast must be such bad actors that the question is raised as to whether they have ever seen a film.
4. All special effects should be laughable. It isn’t enough to merely use a string to lift the rocket…you should be able to see that the SFX person was too lazy to cut away the excess.
5. All aspects of the production should appear to be done by amateurs. It should arouse the belief that cameras and lights were handed to chimpanzees hopped up on Mountain Dew.
6. If the producers try to show a moral to the film, it should benefit no one. If anything, you might be a worse person for having watched it.
7. There must be moments in the movie that are so bad that the video must be stopped and rewound to confirm how bad the scene was. In some cases, no amount of review will relieve the disbelief.
8. At the end of the movie, the viewer should feel emotionally damaged. The way to measure that damage is to see how long it takes the viewer to look at a clock or watch to determine how much of their life was just wasted.

So, dear listeners, as the credits roll on “Amityville Bigfoot” and our season, we raise a glass to you. Thank you for your support, your laughter, and your company. Until next time, stay curious and keep exploring the charming noise of the unknown.

In the year 1960, Major Bill Allison, a test pilot for the United States Air Force, embarks on a mission that will transcend the boundaries of time and space. As he soars into the heavens aboard the X-80 experimental aircraft, he loses radio contact, a harbinger of the extraordinary journey that awaits him. Upon his return, he finds the airbase abandoned, a ghostly relic of a bygone era. The once bustling hub of activity now stands silent, its structures weathered and decayed.

Mystified and alone, Major Allison’s gaze falls upon a futuristic city on the horizon. Driven by curiosity and a sense of duty, he ventures toward it, only to be rendered unconscious and captured by its inhabitants. When he awakens, he finds himself in a dystopian underground city known as the Citadel. Here, the air is thick with the weight of despair, and the inhabitants, save for their leader, the Supreme, and his second-in-command, the Captain, are all deaf-mutes. The Supreme’s granddaughter, Trirene, possesses a unique gift—she can read minds, a beacon of hope in this desolate world.

The Supreme reveals to Allison the grim reality of their existence. A cosmic plague, born from nuclear fallout, has ravaged the Earth, rendering its survivors sterile and mute. The Citadel’s inhabitants, though spared the worst of the plague’s effects, are still prisoners of their own bodies, unable to communicate or procreate. Trirene, the sole exception, is believed to be fertile, a glimmer of possibility in an otherwise bleak future.

As Allison grapples with the enormity of his situation, he learns that he has traveled through time to the year 2024. The world he once knew is gone, replaced by a landscape of ruin and desolation. The Citadel’s history is a tapestry of suffering and survival, woven with the threads of human resilience and ingenuity. Trirene, sensing Allison’s confusion and despair, shows him historical photographs that chronicle the Citadel’s past, a poignant reminder of the world that once was.

In a bid to understand his predicament, Allison is introduced to the “scapes,” two scientists and a Russian woman officer who, like him, have found themselves stranded in this dystopian future. Together, they disable surveillance devices and piece together the puzzle of their existence. The scientists explain that the cosmic plague, a result of nuclear fallout, has suspended dangerous cosmic rays in the atmosphere, leading to the catastrophic events that have shaped their world.

Despite the Captain’s suspicion and hostility, Trirene convinces the Supreme of Allison’s innocence. However, the mutants, survivors of the cosmic plague who live outside the Citadel, pose a constant threat. Bald and violent, they blame the Citadel’s inhabitants for their suffering and seek to destroy them. In a harrowing encounter, Allison overpowers one of the mutants and demands answers, only to be met with the same story of pain and loss.

Determined to return to his own time and prevent the plague from ever occurring, Allison faces a series of challenges. The Supreme and the Captain, wary of his intentions, seek to control him, while Trirene, with her telepathic abilities, becomes his ally and confidante. As they navigate the treacherous landscape of the Citadel, Allison and Trirene’s bond deepens, a testament to the enduring power of human connection.

In a climactic showdown, Allison must confront the forces that seek to keep him in the future. His love for Trirene and his desire to save his world drive him forward, even as the odds seem insurmountable. The mutants, the Citadel’s leaders, and the harsh realities of a post-apocalyptic world all stand in his way, but Allison’s resolve remains unshaken.

The podcast “Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise” delves into the intricacies of “Beyond the Time Barrier,” offering a thoughtful and engaging review of the film. The hosts, with their characteristic wit and insight, explore the themes of time travel, dystopia, and human resilience that permeate the narrative. They discuss the film’s portrayal of a future shaped by nuclear fallout, drawing parallels to contemporary concerns about technology and its impact on society.

In their review, the Turkish Diplomats highlight the film’s strengths and weaknesses, providing a balanced and nuanced perspective. They praise the performances of the cast, particularly Robert Clarke as Major Allison, and the film’s ambitious vision of a dystopian future. However, they also critique certain aspects of the plot and production, offering constructive feedback that enhances the viewer’s understanding and appreciation of the film.

As the podcast unfolds, the hosts engage in lively discussions, sharing their personal reflections and insights. Their review of “Beyond the Time Barrier” is not just an analysis of the film, but a broader exploration of the themes and ideas it presents. Through their thoughtful commentary, the Turkish Diplomats invite listeners to consider the implications of time travel, the consequences of technological advancement, and the enduring power of hope and human connection.

In the end, “Beyond the Time Barrier” is a poignant and thought-provoking film that challenges viewers to reflect on the past, present, and future. Through the lens of Major Allison’s journey, it explores the complexities of human existence and the enduring quest for meaning and purpose. The Turkish Diplomats’ review adds depth and richness to the viewing experience, offering a unique and engaging perspective on this classic science fiction tale.

In the year 2312, Earth faces an unexpected cosmic threat. A group of aliens, nonchalantly auctioning off insignificant planets, selects Sol 3 (our beloved Earth) as their prize. The winning bidder? An evil despot named Kress, who arrives with all the subtlety of a meteor shower.

Kress, resembling someone who fell asleep on an electric fly swatter, doesn’t bother with friendly greetings. Instead, he assembles a robot army to abduct humans for slavery. Clearly, his intergalactic etiquette needs work.

But fear not! Our ragtag team of defenders steps up. Led by the kindly Professor Maury (who probably wears a Spider-Man T-shirt), they’re determined to reclaim Earth. Their secret weapon? The discovery of the alien ship’s weakness: a metal called Iridium (or etherium). Think of it as Kryptonite for cosmic conquerors.

As the battle unfolds, Franco Ressel (our campy Earth leader) orders this motley crew to thwart Kress and his cyborg minions. Bridget and Shawn, our unlikely saviors, emerge from the chaos. They’re like the cosmic equivalent of mismatched socks—unexpected but oddly effective.

Recommendation: Listen to “Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise” podcast! 🎙️ It won’t help you defeat alien overlords, but it’s a delightful distraction from impending doom. Trust me, it’s light-years better than Kress’s customer service.

Titolo: Odissea nelle stelle (1979)

Italian Translation:

Nell’anno 2312, la Terra deve affrontare una minaccia cosmica inaspettata. Un gruppo di alieni, mettendo all’asta con nonchalance pianeti insignificanti, sceglie Sol 3 (la nostra amata Terra) come premio. L’offerente vincitore? Un despota malvagio di nome Kress, che arriva con tutta l’astuzia di una pioggia di meteoriti.

Kress, somigliante a qualcuno che si è addormentato su uno scacciamosche elettrico, non si preoccupa dei saluti amichevoli. Invece, riunisce un esercito di robot per rapire gli umani per ridurli in schiavitù. Chiaramente, la sua etichetta intergalattica ha bisogno di essere modificata.

Ma non temere! La nostra disordinata squadra di difensori si fa avanti. Guidati dal gentile Professor Maury (che probabilmente indossa una maglietta di Spider-Man), sono determinati a riconquistare la Terra. La loro arma segreta? La scoperta del punto debole della nave aliena: un metallo chiamato Iridio (o eterio). Pensatela come la Kryptonite per i conquistatori cosmici.

Mentre la battaglia si svolge, Franco Ressel (il nostro campy leader terrestre) ordina a questo gruppo eterogeneo di contrastare Kress e i suoi servi cyborg. Bridget e Shawn, i nostri improbabili salvatori, emergono dal caos. Sono come l’equivalente cosmico dei calzini spaiati: inaspettati ma stranamente efficaci.

Raccomandazione: ascolta il podcast “I diplomatici turchi presentano Charming Noise”! 🎙️ Non ti aiuterà a sconfiggere i signori alieni, ma è una deliziosa distrazione dal disastro imminente. Credimi, è anni luce migliore del servizio clienti di Kress.

Let us delve into the plot of the 1966 Italian science fiction film, “Star Pilot.”

On the picturesque island of Sardinia, a routine day unfolds under the Mediterranean sun, until the extraordinary pierces the veil of the ordinary. A spacecraft from the distant constellation Hydra, commanded by the enigmatic Chaena, finds itself earthbound, crash-landing with a thud that echoes through the tranquil landscape. The island’s inhabitants, including a prominent scientist, his daughter, and a cadre of young technicians, are swept up in an adventure that transcends the bounds of their world. They are not alone; a duo of spies, shrouded in mystery, join this unintended journey, all united by a common goal: to repair the alien ship’s broken engine.

The plot thickens as the repaired ship sets off towards Hydra, with the earthlings now unwilling passengers on a voyage to the unknown. Tensions rise, alliances form, and a mutiny brews, culminating in a desperate struggle for control that sends the tiny spaceship careening into the vastness of space.

This tale weaves the small threads of individual lives into a tapestry of cosmic scale. It is a story that captures the human spirit’s resilience and the boundless curiosity that propels us into the great beyond.

As we ponder the fates of those aboard the Star Pilot, let us not forget the stories that continue to unfold around us. In the spirit of exploration and discovery, I invite you to tune into “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise,” a podcast that promises to enchant and engage. Listen to their tales wherever you find your podcasts and let the charm of their narratives enrich your world.

Plot Summery

In the shadowy realm of cult cinema, there lurks a film so bizarre, so otherworldly, that it could only be discussed in hushed tones and with a sense of awe. This film is “Mark of the Astro Zombies” (2004), a cinematic oddity that weaves a tale of cosmic horror and alien intrigue, reminiscent of the macabre works of H.P. Lovecraft.

The plot unfurls like a dark tapestry, revealing a sinister plot by malevolent extraterrestrials. These fiendish beings, with intellects vast and cool, operate on unsuspecting humans, implanting computer chips within their brains and replacing their organs with synthetic abominations. Their diabolical scheme? To unleash a horde of mindless Astro-Zombies, armed with razor-sharp machetes, upon the Earth, sowing chaos and destruction.

As the world reels from these horrific attacks, a duo of cunning criminals sees an opportunity amidst the carnage. They concoct a nefarious plan to manipulate global powers, seeking to amass a fortune by offering control over the undead legion. Meanwhile, the highest echelons of government scramble to unravel the truth behind the seemingly random acts of violence. Scholars and strategists convene, desperate to understand the alien agenda.

Amidst this turmoil, an FBI agent and a tenacious news reporter embark on their own quests for answers, delving into the mysteries that shroud these events. Is humanity witnessing a series of isolated terrorist incidents, or is this the harbinger of a full-scale alien invasion, marking the beginning of mankind’s doom?

This is the chilling narrative that “Mark of the Astro Zombies” presents, a story that could have sprung from the fevered imagination of Lovecraft himself. And who better to delve into this tale of terror than the hosts of “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise”? With their penchant for the peculiar and their love for cinematic disasters, they dissect this film with the precision of a surgeon and the glee of a child in a candy store.

Join them, if you dare, as they explore the depths of this Astro-Zombie apocalypse, offering insights that are as enlightening as they are entertaining. It’s a journey into the heart of darkness, a voyage into the unknown, and a testament to the enduring allure of the films that lurk in the shadows, waiting to be rediscovered by those brave enough to look.

So, tune in to “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise” and prepare yourself for a movie review experience that transcends the ordinary, where the cosmic horror of Lovecraft meets the schlocky charm of “Mark of the Astro Zombies”. It’s an adventure not to be missed, a foray into the fantastic that will leave you questioning the very nature of reality itself. Are you ready to embrace the charming noise of the unknown? The answer lies within.

In a far-off land, or rather, a far-off galaxy, there existed a peculiar little planet. This planet, you see, was not quite like any other. It was a place where the skies were tinted in hues of the rainbow, and the creatures that roamed its surface were as strange as strange could be. This is the tale of Horror of the Blood Monsters, also known by many other names such as Vampire Cavemen of the Lost Planet, Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet, and Horror Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet¹².

Our story begins on Earth, where a dreadful plague of intergalactic vampires threatened to turn the world into a land of eternal night. The brave and wise Dr. Rynning, along with his intrepid crew, embarked on a daring expedition aboard the spaceship XB-13. Their mission was to find the source of this terrible plague and put an end to it once and for all¹².

After a journey through the vastness of space, they landed on a mysterious planet. This planet, dear reader, was unlike any they had ever seen. The atmosphere was bathed in a single color, thanks to something called Spectrum radiation. It was as if the entire world had been dipped in a pot of paint and left to dry¹².

As they ventured further into this strange new world, they encountered creatures that seemed to have stepped out of the pages of a fantastical storybook. There were living dinosaurs, towering and fearsome, and a race of vampire cavemen, who were as terrifying as they were fascinating¹².

The brave explorers soon found themselves caught in the middle of a conflict between two primitive tribes, the Tagani and the Tubatans. The Tubatans, it turned out, were the vampiric ones, and they had been at war with the Tagani for as long as anyone could remember¹². We will simply overlook the fact that these primitive clans of people have somehow managed to traverse the vastness of space and infect Earth.

Dr. Rynning, ever the clever one, devised a plan to communicate with the tribes. By inserting a communicator into the brain of a young tribal girl, they were able to learn the secrets of this strange world. They discovered that many years ago, samples of deadly blood had been transported to Earth, and it was this blood that had bred the new vampires¹².

But time was running out. The planet was doomed to destruction, and the infection would soon end. With heavy hearts, the explorers refueled their spaceship with a natural petroleum deposit and prepared to leave. They had learned much, but the cost had been high. Captain Scott, one of their own, had perished in the line of duty¹².

As they soared back into the vastness of space, they couldn’t help but wonder what other mysteries the universe held. They had faced vampires, dinosaurs, and cavemen, and had lived to tell the tale. And so, they returned to Earth, their mission complete, but their hearts forever changed by the wonders they had seen¹².

Now, dear reader, if you ever find yourself curious about this fantastical tale, you might want to listen to the one-hour special movie review by the podcast “Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise.” They delve into the intricacies of the film, discussing its many quirks and charms with a delightful blend of humor and insight¹².

And so, our story comes to an end. But remember, in the vastness of space, there are always more adventures to be had, more mysteries to uncover, and more tales to be told.

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The Plot

In the shadowy realm of cult cinema, there lurks a creation most foul and terrifying, a film that whispers of unspeakable horrors and mind-bending terror: “Mark of the Astro-Zombies.” This cinematic offspring, a direct-to-video sequel to the 1968 “The Astro-Zombies,” was unleashed upon an unsuspecting world in 2002, a reimagining by the original creator, Ted V. Mikels.

The plot, as unearthed from the cryptic depths of forgotten lore, revolves around malevolent extraterrestrial entities who descend upon Earth with a diabolical scheme. These sinister beings, with intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, operate on hapless humans, implanting within their skulls nefarious computer chips and replacing their organs with synthetic abominations. Their grand design: to send forth legions of Astro-Zombies, armed with razor-sharp machetes, to wreak havoc and slaughter upon the populace, indiscriminate in their bloodlust.

Amidst this chaos, a duo of unscrupulously ambitious criminals observes the pandemonium, recalling similar events from a bygone era. They concoct a nefarious plot to exploit the global carnage, gathering influential emissaries and duping them into parting with billions in exchange for control over these unstoppable, undead legions.

In the hallowed halls of the President’s abode, a congregation of scholars assembles, striving to unravel the truth behind the seemingly random acts of violence. Concurrently, an intrepid FBI agent and a tenacious news reporter embark on their own quests for answers, delving into the heart of the enigma. Each harbors their own theories and agendas, but the ultimate question looms large: Are these events mere terrorist machinations, a grandiose extortion plot, or harbingers of an alien apocalypse?

The Turkish Diplomats, those purveyors of auditory enchantments, have dared to delve into the abyss, casting their discerning gaze upon both “Mark of the Astro-Zombies” and its progenitor. With their podcast “Charming Noise,” they offer a beacon of insight amidst the maelstrom of cinematic chaos. Their voices, a symphony of critique and jest, guide listeners through the labyrinthine plot and its many follies. They stand as sentinels, guardians of the airwaves, inviting all to subscribe and partake in their journey through the realms of the Astro-Zombies.

So, dear listener, heed their call. Subscribe to “Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise” on your favored platform, be it Apple Podcasts, TuneIn, or Spotify. Venture forth to YouTube and witness their orations on the Turkish Diplomats channel. And prepare, for soon they shall release the second part of their odyssey into the heart of darkness that is “Mark of the Astro-Zombies.”

We find that even in the most bizarre and macabre of films, there lies a tale worth telling, a mystery worth exploring. And perhaps, in the process, we may burn away the memory of such celluloid aberrations, replacing them with the charming noise of insightful commentary and critique.

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The Plot

Let’s dive into the cosmic chaos that is “Inseminoid” and the auditory adventure of “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise.”

“Inseminoid,” a film that reeks of the 1981 British sci-fi horror aesthetic, is a tale of interstellar terror that unfolds on a planet as cold as the hearts of the BBC executives who slashed the budget. A crew of archaeologists, as hopeful as they are doomed, excavate the remnants of a civilization long gone but not forgotten. Among them, a woman falls victim to an alien creature’s unspeakable acts, leading to a pregnancy that’s anything but joyous. This is no ordinary bun in the oven; it’s a full-blown nightmare, a catalyst for a killing spree that turns the lab into a slaughterhouse. The crew, once united by scientific curiosity, is now bound by a survival instinct as primal as the creature itself.

Now, let’s switch gears to the auditory realm where “The Turkish Diplomats,” a trio of bad movie aficionados from Arkansas, dissect this cinematic specimen with the precision of a drunken surgeon. Their podcast, “Charming Noise,” is a symphony of sarcasm and wit, a celebration of all things that go horribly wrong in space science. They navigate the narrative labyrinth of “Inseminoid” with the grace of a gazelle on a greased dance floor. It’s a challenge that would leave lesser men weeping in the void, but not our intrepid hosts. They emerge from the chaos with insights as profound as the void between the stars.

So, if you’re craving a dose of cosmic horror with a side of sardonic commentary, tune in to “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise.” Available on your preferred streaming platform, and now, in a bold move that defies the very fabric of reality, on YouTube. Join Tom, Calvin, and Paul as they embark on a journey through the second season, where space science goes awry, and the only thing more terrifying than the movies they review is the possibility that they might just be right about everything.

Exploring the Cosmic Charm of ‘Star Pilot’: A Review by Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise

O Captain! My Captain!

In the year of 1966, a tale unfolds, a cosmic journey, a voyage of the stars. “Star Pilot,” a film of wonder, where the heavens meet the Earth on the shores of Sardinia. Behold, a spaceship from the constellation Hydra, a vessel of mystery, crashes upon our terrestrial soil. Chaena, the commander, a figure of strength, leads her crew, seeking aid from the children of Earth.

An Earth scientist, his daughter, and a cadre of technicians, their lives entwined with the celestial visitors. Together they labor, mending the ship, a union of worlds, a dance of intellect and necessity. Yet, as the ship is restored, the aliens’ intent is revealed, to take the humans to Hydra, for purposes unknown, genetic research, a quest for knowledge.

But lo! The humans, with hearts of fire and minds of steel, rise in rebellion. A mutiny ensues, a struggle for freedom, sending the ship into the boundless expanse of space, a journey uncharted, a destiny unknown.

And now, dear reader, turn your ear to the podcast, “Turkish Diplomats Present Charming Noise,” where voices converge, discussing this very film. Our review, a symphony of thoughts, a chorus of critique, explores the depths of “Star Pilot.” With humor and insight, we unravel its charm, its quirks, its place in the annals of sci-fi lore.

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Biohazard (1985): A Cinematic Exploration

Let us delve into the cinematic curiosity that is “Biohazard.” The year is 1985, a time of cinematic experimentation where the boundaries of science fiction and horror are not just pushed, but gleefully obliterated.

The film unfolds in a remote desert research lab, a place as barren and isolated as the hearts of those who dare to tamper with the fabric of reality. Here, scientists, driven by hubris, conduct experiments on transferring matter from other dimensions. It’s a dance with the cosmos, a flirtation with the unknown, and, as with all such reckless waltzes, the music stops abruptly when a container, a Pandora’s box of interdimensional origin, is pried open.

From this container emerges not hope, but a series of monsters, each more grotesque than the last, rampaging, killing, a symphony of chaos unleashed upon an unsuspecting world¹. Our protagonist, Mitchell Carter, an army officer with a jaw set against the terrors of the unknown, teams up with Lisa Martyn, a psychic entangled in the web of these experiments, to track down and neutralize the threat.

Angelique Pettyjohn, born Dorothy Lee Perrins, was an American actress and burlesque queen. Known for her role as Shahna in “Star Trek,” she graced various B-movies and TV shows, leaving a lasting mark in cult cinema.

But, oh, the twist! For in this tale of terror, one of the leading characters is revealed to be a monster themselves, a revelation that sends shivers down the spine and calls into question the very nature of humanity¹.

Now, imagine this tale recounted with the sardonic wit and eloquence of “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise,” a podcast that revels in the absurdity of B-grade cinema. With each episode, they peel back the layers of films like “Biohazard,” laughing in the face of cinematic folly while sipping on the sweet nectar of satire. It’s a show that Tubi, with its treasure trove of B-movie gems, would find a kindred spirit in, a partnership waiting to happen, a match made in the celluloid heavens.

So, dear listeners, tune in to “The Turkish Diplomats present Charming Noise,” and let the charm of their noise carry you away to a world where the movies are terrible, but the commentary is simply divine.